Love is Greater

I have spent the last two hours trying to find the origin of the quote from Martin Luther King Jr that is all over facebook... "I mourn the loss of thousands or precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy." There are many posts that this is a misquote or has been made up. I am a firm believer in facts and as I haven't found where the quote is from I am retracting it.

I am however going to directly quote Martin Luther King Jr from Strength to Love (which I am fairly positive if the other quote exists, it will be in this book), "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction. So when Jesus says to "Love your enemies," he is setting forth a profound and ultimately inescapable admonition."

I have always been a lover, a pacifist, and a peacemaker. One of my 5 strengths from my Strength Finders happens to be Harmony. How appropriate. This doesn't mean it is easy to love the unloveable but Christ gave himself for the world and I pray we take that seriously. He didn't give his life for a select few, for those that go to church every Sunday or tithe 10% each week. He gave his life for everyone. If we should be celebrating a death, it should be Christ's.

My friend Brandt posted a prayer that I would encourage you to think about. I think I was caught up in the beauty of the MLK Jr quote on facebook, which is why I didn't find it's source. I however still believe that Martin Luther King Jr stood on firm ground of non-violence and love.

I also want to say I am not wanting to belittle anyones feelings because what happened on 9/11 was a horrible crime. I am also not saying my way is the right way but I must hold true to my personal beliefs and convictions. I feel Love is much greater than hate.

Perfect Moments

Perfect moments are often very brief moments but they make an impact in your day, if not your life. I have had a few moments I would call perfect. Today that moment was very simple. Today I was driving back from Riverton with two boys from work. We were on I80 about 10 miles east of Elk Mountain. It was about 7:30pm, it was raining/snowing, there was a light fog and both boys were asleep. The CD was playing Ray LaMontagne's Winter Birds. That was it... so calming and perfect. It was as if no matter what happened or had happened, all was okay.

I have had other moments that I would call perfect. One that sticks out in my mind is the first moment I held my godson Noah (I just love that little guy). There have been many moments when I have been hiking and all seems right with the world. Seeing an eagle soaring in the sky, watching waves break on the beach, and sitting around a fire with friends... and so many other wonderful, simple times that I would call perfect.

I am thankful for today's perfect moment and the peace it brought to me.

My strength is my weakness?

I have a big heart. My heart is my strength and weakness. Funny how both are true. It is my strength because I can easily look past people's faults. For example most people would think of a sexual offender as the worst kind of person out there. I think of them and I think, what horrible things happened to them in their lives that they committed such a terrible act. Right there; a barrier is broken, a story is heard, and healing can happen. If I thought of their act as evil and accused them as having to pay for that burning in hell, they would not share their story with me and the cycle continues.

It is also my weakness, in that I get taken advantage of easily and struggle dealing out consequences for actions that deserve them.

Many people may ask (and have), how can you have sympathy for someone that hurts a child, for someone that abuses animals, or that has sexually offended someone? Well, there are multiple reasons. One, as a follower of Christ, I am called to love (Matthew 22:37-39). I take this seriously. Second, my life experience has broken me and if I only focused on all the bad things that happened to me as a child, I would be ineffective and depressed. Instead, I have to use these experiences and not only sympathize with the victims, but also the offenders. Three, I work with kids who have done some pretty evil things to other people, kids, and/or animals but when you read their case history, see their scars, and hear their stories you can't help but think... no wonder they did what they did. In fact, it is usually pretty mild compared to what happened to them.

I think also, I am a protector. Today, I was asked "if you could choose how you would die, how would it be?" I want to die protecting someone or standing up for someone. Defending those that can not defend themselves. I hope my life reflects my desired death. I hope everyday I live, protecting those that can't protect themselves, standing up for the underdog, and loving everyone especially those that "don't deserve it."

My favorite verse is Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

This verse pretty much summarizes me (besides being a protector I have an obsession with feathers).

Go on, and love.

Love Wins

This evening Rob Bell (author of Velvet Elvis, Sex God, and my personal favorite Drops Like Stars) did a live stream about his new book Love Wins. Luckily I was on Facebook at the right time and noticed a friend had posted a link about it. I want to reflect on the interview and the controversy that seems to have followed the book.

First, he talked a lot about Heaven, Hell, and Salvation. Most of what he said challenged me to think and a lot of his responses I agreed with. He asked the question about Heaven “How do we bring ‘there’ here?” (ie Heaven on Earth). This is one thing I wonder often, why are people so cruel, why can’t we be nice to one another and be in Heaven now? He also talked about a “human ache” for something better. We strive for a longing of change, that this (the world) isn’t it. He said this ache is part of what creates art. I think this ache also gets people to change. Great movements were started because something bad was happening. The Civil Rights Movement started because people were angry they were being treated unfairly. Water has been provided to countries that previously did not have clean water because someone got angry that people would be without such a necessity.

Second, was his response to works vs faith. He asked the question “Do you actually think this is a great story?” I believe that if you actually believe the story of Jesus that the question of works vs faith doesn’t matter because if you believe the story, you will live the story.

A few other bullets that I am not going to respond to but for you to think about…
He responded to a question about Matthew 7:13-14 and I thought explained it beautifully, putting it in layman’s terms. He basically said life is hard and we have to work at it everyday. The example he gave was marriage and that you are deeply in love with this person and yet everyday there is something that could hurt it, marriage is hard and you have to be intentional to make it successful.

Another question was about getting to heaven (the exact question, I don’t remember) and Bell said “He (Jesus) is very exclusive and yet fantastically inclusive.” How many times in the Bible are we shocked by something Jesus does? This answer touches on that.
One thing Bell did say that I don’t agree with is “God gives us what we want.” I was so distracted that he said this that I did not completely hear his explanation but I still do not believe this. There are several things I want that I don’t have. There are many things I don’t have that I think it is probably good I don’t have. Maybe his explanation would have given me more insight into why he said this because I think he, like most anyone has enough life experience to know “you don’t always get what you want.”

I love that the last question fit so perfectly with it being the end of the interview. I also love that Rob Bell challenged people to read their Bible and ask yourself what God are you serving. Are you serving a God that needs Child Protective Services called on him or are you serving a God that loves you and there is nothing you can do that would make Him love you less.

I believe the latter.

My likes and dislikes

I have been inspired by several people to make changes to my lifestyle. I am pretty happy with who I am as a person but there is always room to grow. This year I have been inspired by my mom to lose weight and exercise more, inspired by Luis to eat healthier and know what I am putting in my body, inspired by my brother Dakota to look deeper at the world around me, and inspired by Donald Miller to think about how my life can tell a great story.
I have begun exercising more, eating healthier, slowing down, and trying to tell a better story but feel I could do better. Recently Donald Miller wrote a blog about knowing your likes and dislikes and how he uses this to guide his decisions. I have decided to follow his lead and made my own list of likes and dislikes from the past year. I was honestly surprised how many more likes I had than dislikes but I think that means I am already going in the right direction and it will be easier to make changes. So, here is my list...

Things I liked about last year
1. Being with family (After Holidays trip, Dakota’s grad, Thanksgiving, September trip)
2. Being with friends (Lander!, hiking, concerts, birthday, Denver)
3. Taking the dogs on walks
4. Hiking, snowshoeing
5. Seeing wildlife (in the wild or not)
6. New friends
7. Being a Godmother!
8. Drinking good coffee
9. Training my dogs
10. Advancing in my job
11. Road trips (Lander, Missouri, Utah)
12. Having friends with babies to spoil
13. Discovering new things (Sushi, peaceful drives, music, local restaurants)
14. Making things (wreaths, dream catchers, jewelry)
15. Seeing local bands
16. Biking (mountains or the green belt)
17. Canning (pickling)
18. Fixing things/being handy (Rock River church, anything involving my drill)
19. Farmers Market!!!
20. Quitting online games (big step for me)
21. Seeing people change their life or hearing stories of changed lives
22. Helping friends
23. Having a clean house (I <3 Vacuuming!)
24. Reading
25. Going to church
26. Organizing, downsizing


Things I disliked about last year
1. Working Sundays
2. Eating at fast food
3. Not getting enough sleep
4. Being sick
5. Feeling like I have disappointed my dad
6. Hiding who I am
7. Being hung-over (eg goldschlager)
8. Holding back from fear of what others think
9. Not visiting friends that live within 50 miles more often
10. Losing friends (mostly distance)
11. Procrastinating

Prayers needed

The degree of separation is quite a bit but (my brother) Dakota's best friend, Keenan's sister and her fiance were involved in a terrible tragedy. Kate and Jesus were recently engaged and were in Puerto Rico meeting his family. They were at a family gathering when Jesus' uncle torched the family with gasoline. Four people have died because of the injuries, including Jesus. Kate has been flown to Miami and is in a medically induced coma and does not know Jesus has died.

I can only imagine what this family is going through and what they will go through. I have never met Kate or Jesus but when I learned of Jesus' death I cried and my heart aches each time I think about it. I slept horribly last night and woke up early and I immediately logged on to facebook to see if there was anymore news. If I am this upset by this tragedy, how much pain must the family be feeling? There have been many news stories and videos. This one is telling of their love for each other and how hard it will be for Kate when she wakes up to hear the news.

So a couple things... Please pray for the families involved. Pray for Kate, that if she lives that she will find comfort after such a great loss and traumatic experience. Also, give thanks for what you have because at any moment, life can change. Pray.

New Years Resolution

It seems a bit cliche for my first post of 2011 to be my new years resolution but I think this is important to let the world know and help hold me accountable to.

My new year resolution is to let go of my inhibitions without getting drunk.

I don't get drunk often, probably bi-yearly but when I do it always seems like I have a blast doing whatever it is I am doing and I think it is because I don't hold back. I am a shy person, I always have been. When I drink though I let that go, I am unafraid. I want to be able to do that without alcohol because the next day sucks... wouldn't it be nice if I had fun the night before and the next morning felt great?

What I need you to do... remind me the world isn't looking at me and to enjoy the moment. Remind me I don't need to drink a bottle of wine to have a blast.

Let's have fun in 2011!

Part of the Crisis

What am I doing with my life? That is a typical quarter life crisis question and I find myself asking myself that question more and more. I feel like I am just floating, waiting, wasting time. What am I doing with my life? I work a lot, I like what I do, but what am I actually doing? Ah yes, I do a good job, my boss tells me every day but shouldn't I think I am doing a good job?
Now, I am confusing myself. I do think I am doing a good job but not at what I think I should be doing a good job with. Not only do I do everything I should and more but people trust me and rely on me. I know I am worth something where I work... but I want to mean something to the kids I go to work for, not my coworkers, not my boss.
I took the last year off school because I felt like I was wasting money not knowing what I was doing. Now, I think I have finally decided on Elementary Education. I have thought a lot about this and am excited to go back to school. The break has been nice and I think has helped me refocus my life, what I want to do in my future.
Another part of the crisis is that I question my inadequacies to maintain a relationship. Not only do I struggle with maintaining but acquiring. I can't even tell you how many friends I have that have gotten engaged or married this year. What about me? I know I have asked this before but the question hasn't been answered.
I pretty much hate having quarter life crisis because it sucks. I would like to stop thinking about why my life sucks and move on.

Without Sarah

The thought of Sarah leaving is terrifying to me. For those that don't know, Sarah needs a full-time job and has been looking since April. If she can't find one soon, she will have to move back to Casper to live with her parents. There are several reasons this makes me sad. One, she is the last of my close friends who still live close. B, we have lived together since Summer of 2007 and get along swimmingly. Third, she balances me. Like I have all these crazy thoughts and spill them out to her and she, in her way, slaps me across the face and helps me refocus.
If she leaves, I will be alone. As you know, if you follow this blog, I don't do well alone. I know I have asked several of you to pray for her to find a job... but if she doesn't find one, I ask that you pray for me and that I don't go crazy.

Working with Men

I work with teenage boys, so naturally, most of my coworkers have been men. There are many pros and cons to having men as coworkers. Biggest pro, no drama. Biggest con, men don't notice nice things about you... or they don't express they do.
I was thinking about this today. I have had my natural hair color for about a year now. I have changed my hair color a lot, my poor mother asked me in October, "so is this your natural color?" Haha!!! Well, I dyed it last night... dark brown from my reddish blond. Guess who said something? Not my male coworkers. This makes me sad. Not that I am there to impress them but I see them every week... do you see me?
Pros to my male coworkers; there is no drama which is awesome. They are protective of me when the boys are aggressive. They are also just hilarious!
Anyway boys! It sure would be nice if you could compliment me, whether on my new hair color or on my nice outfit. Thanks!

Going Insane

I rarely stop moving, stop thinking, or stop doing. Even when I am sleeping, I thrash about. I often read books twice over because I can't focus enough to get much meaningful from them. I don't know why I pay for the theater because often my mind is lost in thoughts. I should have someone with me constantly, whether they are talking or not because I should not be left to my own devices.
This week, I have been lucky enough to have my mom and my sister with me. We didn't do much but it was great to have someone with me. When they left, I cleaned, which I often do to relieve stress or anger. I think today I was stressed being alone. I made chili, I watched a lot of boring tv, I stared into facebook way too much, drank one too many glasses of wine, and I did little of great importance. I also cleaned to keep my mind from wandering. Since I have no one keeping me in check, I have to do it myself.
I wonder what would happen if I was left alone for too long. Would I do something I regret? Would I go mentally insane? Wouldn't that be terrible if I went crazy?

Quarter Life Crisis... this is real

So I have been talking about this topic as a joke with a couple friends but looking deeper into the topic... it is a real problem. I have italicized the characteristics (which I retrieved from wikipedia) that I am personally struggling with...

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

• realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
• confronting their own mortality
• watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
• insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
• insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university, college, high school, middle school or elementary school life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness, depression and suicidal tendencies
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than oneself
• frustration with social skills

As you can see, I am full swing quarter life crisis and pretty much have no optimism for my own life. When will it end?!!?!

Love is the Answer

Since when did having an easy life mean that you are doing thing, that you are following God's will? I am sure most people have thought about God's will, whether they are religious or not... (What does God want me to do with my life? Why would God let this happen? etc...) My brother wrote a blog about God's will that I think answered a few questions that people ask. It is pretty good, you should read it.

This is not that blog though, this blog is once again my personal venting post. It seems that when I talk to people about school, work, or love they tell me to pray about it and seek God's will. Really, what does that look like? If I am following God's will does it mean my life will be posh and easy? No! Was Christ's life easy? Certainly not and I would like to think he was following God's will, after all he was God's son.

I find it hard to believe that I am not following God's will. I am serving kids daily, being an example of living a good life. Have I made mistakes along the way? I certainly have, but I have learned from them. Just because life is hard doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing. Remember, God wants us to follow his commandment...

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself" -Matthew 22:37-39

So in all you do... LOVE!

True Love

I think love is something most people long for. Whether it is to be loved by a friend, a parent, or that "special" someone. Thing is, today that special someone seems like a foreign idea. With a divorce rate above 50%, people seem to move from relationship to relationship like a pair of shoes it is easy to be scared of love. I am terrified. But today brought one of the moments of hope... maybe I will be one of the people that doesn't get a divorce, that lives happily ever after, raising a ruckus with my spouse. Today, I saw one of those couples that you know are still in love despite 50 years of marriage to each other.
One day I hope to find a love that will last. One, where it doesn't matter what I say, it is awesome. Where we can laugh and cry together. We can run out of things to say but it won't matter because we are still happy just being near each other. Some say I have my sites set too high, but if you don't set them high you don't find the best. On a side note, I am surprised how corny this post is because I am on my period and I am an angry bitter person on my period... so times this by ten and you might have how I really feel about this lovely subject of love.

Something That Matters

I want to write about something that matters, something that people care about, something that will change people. Currently I am reading Strength to Love by Martin Luther King Jr, AMAZING! The sermon that has most stuck out to me so far is On Being a Good Neighbor (Luke 10:29). I like to think that my goal in life is to show love to others. Some may say this is corny, maybe impossible or impractical, but I say it is what we are called to do.
MLK Jr talks about altruism and it's different forms. For those that don't know, altruism is defined as "the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others." Three types of altruism are talked about in this sermon; universal, dangerous, and excessive.
Universal altruism looks beyond "race, religion, and nationality." You look outside your nation, your group, and you see a human like yourself. Dangerous altruism is overcoming the fear you may have of helping someone. "I imagine the first question the priest and the Levite asked was: "if I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But by the very nature of his concern, the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?" The good Samaritan engaged in dangerous altruism." I think people who participate in dangerous altruism are brave people, not only overcoming challenges around them but also within themselves. The third altruism is excessive altruism. The good Samaritan didn't stop at making sure the man was safe but took it upon himself to give up his horse (or mule or whatever he was riding) and got himself dirty helping this guy. Excessive altruism is the difference of doing something for someone and doing something with someone.
The sermon goes into quite a bit of detail and I would encourage everyone to read it, religious or not, I think you would get something from it. Reading Strength to Love I understand at a new level exactly why Martin Luther King Jr is a great man. He stood for humanity and justice and lived as an amazing example of how all people should live, not for ourselves but for others.
So next time you are about to walk by someone ask yourself, "what will happen to them if I don't stop?" Stop thinking about yourself.

Amazing Grace

So this is my third post tonight but I have had a lot on my mind and not much time to write. This last weekend there was an episcopal conference in Laramie and Cathedral Home hosted a breakfast for them one of the days. I was volunteered for it by my boss (who if he is reading this, is awesome). I was not looking forward to waking up at 4:30 to go serve people breakfast but all the same I went. I am thankful I did.
The kids performed some songs and one girl sang Amazing Grace. Not only did she sing Amazing Grace, she owned it. Tears are coming to my eyes just thinking about it. I was not facing the stage, my back was to the stage and I got to see everyone else react to her. It reminded me of the moment where when the bride comes into the church and you stand to watch her. I love watching the groom, seeing his adoring face staring at his bride. That was how I felt but times 20. There were old men holding their chins, trying not to show they were crying, women wiping tears from their eyes trying to remove anything that might prevent them from seeing this girl sing. It was amazing. I cried. (and then I laughed because this is one of those times 10 years ago I would have made fun of my mom for crying)
Find something and make it yours, live a passionate life.

My Future

I think a lot. My mind is constantly going; whether it is day-dreaming, contemplating my future, thinking about the present, or reflecting over something I am reading or learning about. My last birthday was full of thinking. Over the last few years I have had a lot of changes in my life, seems on my birthday I would focus on the happy things but instead I just kept thinking about how my life wasn't exactly how I thought it would be: the good and the bad.
Up until the age of 16, I thought I would be a veterinarian, then I got a job at a vet office. At the time I was obsessed with CSI so I changed the idea of my future to forensic psychologist. Then I got to college and thought, "math teacher!" Three years later, two math classes failed I decided maybe math wasn't the direction I should go. At the time I had a job working with at-risk youth and decided to go back into psychology and go on to get my masters in counseling. Fast forward another three years, I am completely burnt out at school and feeling pretty burnt out at work as well.
Don't get me wrong, I love what I do but it is a draining job. I am a very compassionate-empathetic person and take on a lot of the grief that the kids have. I have gotten a lot better at being able to take myself out of their problems but I don't know that I don't want to not feel what they are feeling. What happens in a few more years when I don't hurt when I hear a story about abuse? I don't want to become hard, emotionless.
This feeling is a big reason why I decided to take the next year off, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I kind of think it sucks that I have to make that decision. Next Monday I have an appointment with a career advisor to help me decide my future. I really hope I can figure something out because I don't want to be stuck in Laramie the rest of my life. I also want to do something worthwhile with my future!

Love Languages

I love taking personality quizzes and reading different personality things. It is probably my nerdy pop-psychology side speaking but I also just love gaining insight into myself and other people. Sometimes, I think those profiles put into words who I am without me realizing it. Sometimes, the profiles are pretty far off. One profile I love is the Love Languages. I think I love it because I love showing people that I care for them but people have different ways of receiving and giving love.
I think it is important to know this because for example I love receiving and giving quality time but many people may like to receive or get gifts. It is helpful to know this because I have a super wonderful amazing grandma that loves to buy things when she visits. Sometimes this annoys me because we can't stop until we find the perfect gift; I hate shopping. For me to know this is probably one of her top Love Languages is important because I can see that she is showing me she loves me and cares for me. Really, I am just happy being with her, I don't need her to buy me anything!
You can take the Love Language Quiz too! I had talked a lot about the Love Languages but have never actually taken the quiz. I knew Quality Time and Words of Encouragement were my top two but had never realized how extreme each one was but it makes sense...

12 Quality Time
6 Words of Encouragement
6 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch
1 Receiving Gifts

What makes you passionate?

I woke up early this morning at 3. Not because I had to, just because it happened. I have never, not once just woke up and not been able to go back to bed. I took a melatonin about 9pm last night and went to bed at 11pm. I often toss and turn in my sleep but always go back to sleep. I read, I played on facebook, I journaled... it was productive and insightful time but I was awake after 4 hours of sleep! Today has been okay despite the lack of sleep. I went to an amazing training for work today.

The training was about anger and how to work with kids that are angry. I am pretty excited about what I learned today and what I am going to learn tomorrow. The thing about delinquents, they are angry and don't know what to do with it. I think the number one thing that I learned today is that anger isn't bad. It's what we do with anger that can be bad. Think about the positives that anger has provided....

Most social change came about because some got angry. To learn what you are passionate about, think about what makes you angry. I get so angry when people don't treat others fairly. I get angry when people don't have compassion for others and can't put themselves in other people's shoes. I get angry when people can't take care of their pets, when they are abandoned and not fed and not spayed or neutered, UGH!!! I am passionate about love (helping others) and justice (standing up for those who can't). What are you passionate about?

Another thing on my mind is life's coincidences. I have been reading a lot, different blogs, different books, news and today so many things related to what I have been reading. I think it is God's way of saying "this is important!" When a teacher is teaching you something, they don't just do it once and leave it, they bring it up multiple times, they give you homework, and you have class discussions on it. God is teaching me a lot right now, which is good because I have decided to take this year off from school and it is good to keep that brain active!

My day doing nothing.

So today has been awesome. Not because I went on some extraordinary adventure but because I just sat around doing nothing. Seriously, the most I did today was let a friend borrow my cat to catch a mouse in her apartment and yell profanities at the vacuum because it is the most retarded appliance I have ever dealt with; pet hair vacuum my ass! (Anyone out there reading my blog is more than welcome to buy me a new one... I will give you my address)

I made a lovely pot of coffee this morning when I woke up, I watched some TV, I have spent more time on facebook today than I have in the last 30 days, I will be watching more TV, I am thinking about eating dinner but that involves more effort than I think I am willing to do at the moment. Only one call from work so far and I redirected it to my boss (because it was a boss question, not because I am that lazy). Days like today are completely rare in my book.

Let me leave you with this... I have next Saturday off and I can't wait. I don't remember the last Saturday I had off (though it couldn't have been THAT long ago but not recent enough)!!!