When thinking is dangerous.

I was sitting around today, thinking. Thinking is a good thing but when I spend too much time thinking it turns into a bad thing; a very bad thing. It starts like this; I start thinking about how much I hate being called on my days off and then, at that very moment all the BAD things about work coming flooding into my brain and it is all I can think about and to relieve these terrible things I think "I need a new job". It doesn't stop there, I start looking for a new job, and then I pull up applications for jobs.

Then, suddenly, I realize I am being an idiot and I in fact, love my job. This dangerous train of thinking happens with other things too. It happens a lot with relationships, mostly dating relationships and potential dating relationships but not limited to dating. It usually starts off as a small thought, usually I am hanging out with whoever the potential date is and he says something like "no wonder I don't have a girlfriend" and I think "I would be your girlfriend" and then the thoughts just go down hill from there, leading me to think there actually is hope when in reality even if I was dating this person it probably would not actually be a good situation.

I think a big problem I have is I want to be in a relationship. People always say, "stop looking for it and it will happen", "stop trying so hard", "relationships are overrated", "it will happen when it is meant to". My response (which occurs in my head) is fuck you, I am not an idiot. I want someone to hold me, to love me, to have the security that someone is there caring for me. I have several good friends that care for me immensely (and I for them) but it isn't the same as having a dating relationship.

Anyway, all this thinking today got me interested in looking back over my Myers-Briggs personality profile (if you have never taken the Myers-Briggs it is probably the best personality test out there). Turns out I am one of the rarest personalities in the population (INFJ). I am gentle, complex, intuitive, creative, artistic, private, difficult to understand, patient, devoted, protective, stubborn, and a perfectionist. I am labeled The Protector. This is visible I think with me being the oldest child and making sure my siblings were well looked after (even though I hated them), this is also true in my working for those that are underprivileged, and my love for animals... protecting those that can't protect themselves.

I think this is why my favorite Bible verse is Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

I love the idea of God protecting me. I especially love envisioning the feathers of His wings because feathers are probably my favorite thing in this world. I am thankful for God's protection over me, guiding me away from the negative thoughts and reminding me about the positive (which completely outweighs the negative).