When thinking is dangerous.

I was sitting around today, thinking. Thinking is a good thing but when I spend too much time thinking it turns into a bad thing; a very bad thing. It starts like this; I start thinking about how much I hate being called on my days off and then, at that very moment all the BAD things about work coming flooding into my brain and it is all I can think about and to relieve these terrible things I think "I need a new job". It doesn't stop there, I start looking for a new job, and then I pull up applications for jobs.

Then, suddenly, I realize I am being an idiot and I in fact, love my job. This dangerous train of thinking happens with other things too. It happens a lot with relationships, mostly dating relationships and potential dating relationships but not limited to dating. It usually starts off as a small thought, usually I am hanging out with whoever the potential date is and he says something like "no wonder I don't have a girlfriend" and I think "I would be your girlfriend" and then the thoughts just go down hill from there, leading me to think there actually is hope when in reality even if I was dating this person it probably would not actually be a good situation.

I think a big problem I have is I want to be in a relationship. People always say, "stop looking for it and it will happen", "stop trying so hard", "relationships are overrated", "it will happen when it is meant to". My response (which occurs in my head) is fuck you, I am not an idiot. I want someone to hold me, to love me, to have the security that someone is there caring for me. I have several good friends that care for me immensely (and I for them) but it isn't the same as having a dating relationship.

Anyway, all this thinking today got me interested in looking back over my Myers-Briggs personality profile (if you have never taken the Myers-Briggs it is probably the best personality test out there). Turns out I am one of the rarest personalities in the population (INFJ). I am gentle, complex, intuitive, creative, artistic, private, difficult to understand, patient, devoted, protective, stubborn, and a perfectionist. I am labeled The Protector. This is visible I think with me being the oldest child and making sure my siblings were well looked after (even though I hated them), this is also true in my working for those that are underprivileged, and my love for animals... protecting those that can't protect themselves.

I think this is why my favorite Bible verse is Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

I love the idea of God protecting me. I especially love envisioning the feathers of His wings because feathers are probably my favorite thing in this world. I am thankful for God's protection over me, guiding me away from the negative thoughts and reminding me about the positive (which completely outweighs the negative).

Making My Life a Good Story

I work at Cathedral Home for Children and I love it! I have worked there for three years now as a youth worker. This job has been part of my inspiration for my future career. For the last three years I have been working towards becoming a counselor, earning my Bachelors in Psychology at University of Wyoming, working at Cathedral Home, and volunteering for the Baptist Collegiate Ministries as President. The last three years has been stressful but I have learned a lot.

Another passion of mine is animals. If I could rescue every animal I would. I personally have two dogs and a cat. My oldest dog I rescued at six months of age from an abuse situation. I have trained Olive to become a therapy dog. I get to bring her to work with me. There is a noticeable difference in the kids’ attitude when she is there. The kids seem calmer, mellow, and more cooperative.

I have decided that I want to combine my love for youth and my love for animals. My dream is to own a large amount of land to be used as an animal shelter of sorts. Kids would come to work at the shelter after school and/or on the weekends. The kids would help feed and care for the animals, help training them to make them more place able. The kids would be gaining many skills they need to be more successful in life. Through this they will learn mastery through training, ownership through taking care of the animals, they will also learn to have empathy and give to something else. There is so much an animal can provide to these kids, all the while getting the animals needs met.

Recently, I have decided to take a year off from school and several people think I am being stupid and are disappointed in my decision. I am not. As I told my dad when he told me he was disappointed is that this is my life and he wants me to be happy and I am happy working, serving those around me. I feel I am leading a better story at work and that I am truly making a difference in people’s lives, which is what I want to do. I pray God continues to allow me to grow in my job at Cathedral Home and take the skills I gain there into my future career to help children and animals in need… making the world a little better one life at a time.

Confused relief.

I was thinking my next post would be about how I plan on "making a better story" but I had to share this with my readers (few if any).

I recently had a coworker get fired. At first, I was confused why, she is a hard worker, never late, tries so hard on what she does, and has a passion for the kids matched by few. She unfortunately is dramatic and lately has been negative and pulling me into the center of things. I honestly felt relief the longer I thought about it because I can be her friend without our work relationship getting in the way.

Tonight I called her to check on her and she basically accused me of backstabbing her, stating that she didn't feel like she could trust anyone from there, including me. This hurt me, because I care for her and value our friendship. This last December when I had to stay in Laramie for Christmas she had me to her house and made me feel at home. Not many people do that. I hope that her being fired will not get in the way of our friendship. I hope that time does give her a chance to heal and remember who I am.

Wide Awake

It is 3:15am and I don't know why I can't sleep. My mind is not racing, my room is actually a good temperature, and my throat is not bugging me like it has for the last week. I guess I will use this time to just write about life. More specifically, my boring, boring life.

My new favorite hobby is taking the dogs to the Laramie River. They love it and it actually wears them out. It is hilarious to watch Kenya and Jackson swim. Jackson has also been taking amazing dives into the river (if you throw the stick from the right spot). Olive isn't too thrilled about swimming but she will do it. After about half an hour Kenya goes into convulsions because she is shivering uncontrollably because she doesn't have any body fat to keep her warm. It is kind of hilarious actually.

Last week I was told, by my vet, that Olive probably needs to see a dog behavioral therapist... not sure what to think about that. I looked a few things up on the internet and got some advice from my vet in hopes of preventing taking her to therapy. I mean really, therapy for your dog? So far the little things are helping and I only see it getting better.

Next weekend Matthew, Louise and Noah are going to be visiting. Pretty excited about that! Plus, Tori and Caleb will be here for Caleb's cousin's wedding. Which means next weekend is going to be like an awesome reunion, minus a few awesome people.

I really want to go to Oregon to visit family. I don't even really give a shit about looking at the grad school at this point. I think I will apply and wherever is dumb enough to let me is where I will go. I also want to go to Virginia. Mostly to visit Dan and Christen but I would like to see family too. I miss Dan and Christen tons! Really I miss most of my friends who have moved on with their lives and left me to fend for myself.

I have been in charge at work the last week and a bit. It was way stressful the first day and I felt completely inadequate but then everything worked out and I am fine. This week I haven't even felt like I have been in charge because people aren't being annoying and calling me over every stupid thing. I have been in charge because of my recent promotion to level three status... AWESOME!

I am running out of things to write about. My computer needs to be cleaned because I just rubbed my fingers together and a whole bunch of dirt was on them. Gross.

Goodnight. I hope!

A bit of an update

A few recent things in my life... I got a Border Collie puppy. Her name is Kenya and she is adorable. She adores Jackson (who happens to be her older half brother). She also chases Snow and causes a bit of chaos because the cat doesn't know what Kenya is. She is going to be a beautiful adult and I can't wait to see what her ears decide to do.

Last weekend I went with Sarah, David, and Kenny to see Matthew, Louise, and baby Noah! It was a blast!!! Noah is getting so big. He is adorable and I love him tons. I also had fun with my friends. It is weird to think about us not being together again for a long time, if ever!

Now for a visit to Susan. I miss her tons and wish I could see her more often. It is sad that we only live an hour apart and yet rarely see each other.

I am happy summer is around the corner. I am sure it will snow some more before it arrives but it is warmer! I have gotten my first two sunburns of the year. As much as I hate sunburns it makes me happy because it means it is warm outside.

Overheard

I was listening in on a conversation of some friends a week ago and was saddened by what they said. Here is a summarized replay of what happened...

Al was messing with Abby.
Abby responds with "I'm going to kill you"
Nate: "That isn't very Christian"
Abby: "Whatever"
Nate: "of course, you could find a Christian way to do it in like Mike (who recently joined the Army)"

Does being in the Army mean you can kill under God? I honestly don't think so. The topic of military and Christianity has always been a conflict for me within. For one, I don't think killing is right, ever. Yet, I have many friends who are in the military, serving the country they love. I have a certain admiration for them I guess but not because they kill. I think it is because they have given their lives to something they believe in; not many people do that.

We are called to Love.

I don't know what part of Mt 22:37-40 is confusing...

"The first and greatest commandment is 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Yet, I find myself reading about Westboro Baptist Church and the things they do. The Bible doesn't call us to judge. This church makes me so sad, making it hard to love. I just want to grieve. It is hard for me to think people can be so mean. They think the United States is being punished for their sins... yet, this church is benefiting from those very "sins". Now understand, this is not a political rant because honestly, I care little for politics. This instead is about the Bible and love.

I find myself thinking over and over about my brother's recent blog about decisions. People are always talking about God's will this, God's will that, blah, blah, blah, excuses. But I think my brother, Dakota, nailed it in the head when he said this... "God's will isn't for me to live in Joplin Missouri, That was my choice, His will is for me to be like His Son. See I have made decisions that have changed my life forever." God's will is for us to be like His Son, WOW. Really, any decision you make you should ask yourself, "am I being like God's Son?" If not, you aren't in God's will. How is Westboro Baptist following God's will? How am I following God's will?

It is not for me to judge Westboro, but their decisions have made it hard for me to do what I need to do. It is hard to love someone when that person has a wall built between you and them because of another persons actions. I have to be all sorts of creative. There is so much getting in the way of what it means to be a Christian that is makes me sad. "Christians are hypocrites and Christians hate gays" All these things are about things Christians don't like instead of about love, generosity, humility. Aren't those the things we are called to do?

I will continue to live like I am called to live. I pray that others will follow my (and many others) example. I hope people will feel the love.