Wide Awake

It is 3:15am and I don't know why I can't sleep. My mind is not racing, my room is actually a good temperature, and my throat is not bugging me like it has for the last week. I guess I will use this time to just write about life. More specifically, my boring, boring life.

My new favorite hobby is taking the dogs to the Laramie River. They love it and it actually wears them out. It is hilarious to watch Kenya and Jackson swim. Jackson has also been taking amazing dives into the river (if you throw the stick from the right spot). Olive isn't too thrilled about swimming but she will do it. After about half an hour Kenya goes into convulsions because she is shivering uncontrollably because she doesn't have any body fat to keep her warm. It is kind of hilarious actually.

Last week I was told, by my vet, that Olive probably needs to see a dog behavioral therapist... not sure what to think about that. I looked a few things up on the internet and got some advice from my vet in hopes of preventing taking her to therapy. I mean really, therapy for your dog? So far the little things are helping and I only see it getting better.

Next weekend Matthew, Louise and Noah are going to be visiting. Pretty excited about that! Plus, Tori and Caleb will be here for Caleb's cousin's wedding. Which means next weekend is going to be like an awesome reunion, minus a few awesome people.

I really want to go to Oregon to visit family. I don't even really give a shit about looking at the grad school at this point. I think I will apply and wherever is dumb enough to let me is where I will go. I also want to go to Virginia. Mostly to visit Dan and Christen but I would like to see family too. I miss Dan and Christen tons! Really I miss most of my friends who have moved on with their lives and left me to fend for myself.

I have been in charge at work the last week and a bit. It was way stressful the first day and I felt completely inadequate but then everything worked out and I am fine. This week I haven't even felt like I have been in charge because people aren't being annoying and calling me over every stupid thing. I have been in charge because of my recent promotion to level three status... AWESOME!

I am running out of things to write about. My computer needs to be cleaned because I just rubbed my fingers together and a whole bunch of dirt was on them. Gross.

Goodnight. I hope!

A bit of an update

A few recent things in my life... I got a Border Collie puppy. Her name is Kenya and she is adorable. She adores Jackson (who happens to be her older half brother). She also chases Snow and causes a bit of chaos because the cat doesn't know what Kenya is. She is going to be a beautiful adult and I can't wait to see what her ears decide to do.

Last weekend I went with Sarah, David, and Kenny to see Matthew, Louise, and baby Noah! It was a blast!!! Noah is getting so big. He is adorable and I love him tons. I also had fun with my friends. It is weird to think about us not being together again for a long time, if ever!

Now for a visit to Susan. I miss her tons and wish I could see her more often. It is sad that we only live an hour apart and yet rarely see each other.

I am happy summer is around the corner. I am sure it will snow some more before it arrives but it is warmer! I have gotten my first two sunburns of the year. As much as I hate sunburns it makes me happy because it means it is warm outside.

Overheard

I was listening in on a conversation of some friends a week ago and was saddened by what they said. Here is a summarized replay of what happened...

Al was messing with Abby.
Abby responds with "I'm going to kill you"
Nate: "That isn't very Christian"
Abby: "Whatever"
Nate: "of course, you could find a Christian way to do it in like Mike (who recently joined the Army)"

Does being in the Army mean you can kill under God? I honestly don't think so. The topic of military and Christianity has always been a conflict for me within. For one, I don't think killing is right, ever. Yet, I have many friends who are in the military, serving the country they love. I have a certain admiration for them I guess but not because they kill. I think it is because they have given their lives to something they believe in; not many people do that.

We are called to Love.

I don't know what part of Mt 22:37-40 is confusing...

"The first and greatest commandment is 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Yet, I find myself reading about Westboro Baptist Church and the things they do. The Bible doesn't call us to judge. This church makes me so sad, making it hard to love. I just want to grieve. It is hard for me to think people can be so mean. They think the United States is being punished for their sins... yet, this church is benefiting from those very "sins". Now understand, this is not a political rant because honestly, I care little for politics. This instead is about the Bible and love.

I find myself thinking over and over about my brother's recent blog about decisions. People are always talking about God's will this, God's will that, blah, blah, blah, excuses. But I think my brother, Dakota, nailed it in the head when he said this... "God's will isn't for me to live in Joplin Missouri, That was my choice, His will is for me to be like His Son. See I have made decisions that have changed my life forever." God's will is for us to be like His Son, WOW. Really, any decision you make you should ask yourself, "am I being like God's Son?" If not, you aren't in God's will. How is Westboro Baptist following God's will? How am I following God's will?

It is not for me to judge Westboro, but their decisions have made it hard for me to do what I need to do. It is hard to love someone when that person has a wall built between you and them because of another persons actions. I have to be all sorts of creative. There is so much getting in the way of what it means to be a Christian that is makes me sad. "Christians are hypocrites and Christians hate gays" All these things are about things Christians don't like instead of about love, generosity, humility. Aren't those the things we are called to do?

I will continue to live like I am called to live. I pray that others will follow my (and many others) example. I hope people will feel the love.

It doesn't always work

Today I was reminded that sometimes it is just about how hard you try.

You can put your all into something and have it still not turn out how you thought it would. The thing is, more than what you do influences the outcome but at least you tried. At least you can say you gave it your all.

Currently, I am discouraged but I know I will overcome this sadness. In the mean time I am going to keep loving and keep hoping.

People's lives

So today work was pretty stressful. I love my job but it seems the very reason I love my job is the same reason I hate my job. I love my job because I love making a difference in people's lives and I am getting paid for it. It kills me though because I do play such a huge role in their lives and that scares me. This job is so different than others, like if I worked at Walmart or a bank, I call in sick I have to make it up later if at all but if I am sick or missing from work at Cathedral Home it is very serious.

It seems everything is wearing on me lately, life, school, work, being homesick, and even friendships. I am hoping I have enough in me to finish out this semester with all it can be. I feel like I try so hard yet have nothing to show for it. I also feel like I am not doing anything right lately, especially at work. I am a hard worker, just like the rest of my family but lately I feel like everything I do is wrong. I hate when I am wrong. Every once in a while, yeah, it happens, but it seems like one thing after another I just keep messing up.

Hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and run with them. I also need to learn to leave work at work but it is so difficult when these kids mean so much to me!

New puppy, BCM retreat, and work struggles.

Sarah got a puppy!  How exciting!  He is an adorable black and white border collie, his name is Jackson.  Olive is being more tolerant than I thought she would be.  She seems to be having fun playing with him, not being too rough.  He hasn't had an accident in the house yet and is responding to his name (it has only been 52 hours).

Also, I was having some struggles at work.  When I first started at the boys house a year ago there was an incident with a boy having sex with one of the girls (from the girl's house) and it occurred at the house I work at on my shift, not good for me.  After the experience though, I took from it what I could and used it with working with the boys.  I have learned a lot over the last year and pride myself in how hard I work.  Well, recently one of the girls told the counselor that she had made out with one of the boys during the new years eve party our house threw... I was working.  Now this is not good, especially because of my first incident.  I am upset this happened, not because I feel the boy that did it broke my trust or anything, I know I can't trust these kids (they are in treatment for a reason) but because I work so hard at my job and take pride in my work and because of this action I feel like I am looked down on and seen as irresponsible. 

I was reassured by my coworkers that they don't think that of me but there is this piece in me that is devastated.  So much so, that during our team meeting we have every Wednesday, I cried.  I hadn't cried since December 27, 2008 when I hugged my mom goodbye and here I am crying in the midst of people I barely know.  It isn't that I think crying is bad or anything, I just don't cry, it isn't me.  So when I do cry it is usually over something quite large.

This last week too, I had a friend have a heart attack.  It is scary when your 26 year old friend has a heart attack.  First, I am scared for her, I don't know what to say to her to offer comfort.  Second, 26 year olds don't have heart attacks!  What if I lose her?!?!  She is a good friend and I hope she finds comfort and the doctors figure out what is wrong with her.

Because of the weeks events everything else became more difficult also, I just didn't go to school last week.  Which isn't a good decision to make when you have a test and a paper due.  Luckily I have an optional final in the class and the paper wasn't worth much.

This weekend was awesome though.  We had our state BCM winter retreat!  The BCM retreats are always fun.  This year we went to Thermopolis Wyoming and played in the hot springs and saw lots of deer.  We also had a nice drive getting to know people and bonding closer together as a group.