Monday, March 30, 2009

People's lives

So today work was pretty stressful. I love my job but it seems the very reason I love my job is the same reason I hate my job. I love my job because I love making a difference in people's lives and I am getting paid for it. It kills me though because I do play such a huge role in their lives and that scares me. This job is so different than others, like if I worked at Walmart or a bank, I call in sick I have to make it up later if at all but if I am sick or missing from work at Cathedral Home it is very serious.

It seems everything is wearing on me lately, life, school, work, being homesick, and even friendships. I am hoping I have enough in me to finish out this semester with all it can be. I feel like I try so hard yet have nothing to show for it. I also feel like I am not doing anything right lately, especially at work. I am a hard worker, just like the rest of my family but lately I feel like everything I do is wrong. I hate when I am wrong. Every once in a while, yeah, it happens, but it seems like one thing after another I just keep messing up.

Hopefully I can learn from my mistakes and run with them. I also need to learn to leave work at work but it is so difficult when these kids mean so much to me!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

New puppy, BCM retreat, and work struggles.

Sarah got a puppy!  How exciting!  He is an adorable black and white border collie, his name is Jackson.  Olive is being more tolerant than I thought she would be.  She seems to be having fun playing with him, not being too rough.  He hasn't had an accident in the house yet and is responding to his name (it has only been 52 hours).


Also, I was having some struggles at work.  When I first started at the boys house a year ago there was an incident with a boy having sex with one of the girls (from the girl's house) and it occurred at the house I work at on my shift, not good for me.  After the experience though, I took from it what I could and used it with working with the boys.  I have learned a lot over the last year and pride myself in how hard I work.  Well, recently one of the girls told the counselor that she had made out with one of the boys during the new years eve party our house threw... I was working.  Now this is not good, especially because of my first incident.  I am upset this happened, not because I feel the boy that did it broke my trust or anything, I know I can't trust these kids (they are in treatment for a reason) but because I work so hard at my job and take pride in my work and because of this action I feel like I am looked down on and seen as irresponsible. 

I was reassured by my coworkers that they don't think that of me but there is this piece in me that is devastated.  So much so, that during our team meeting we have every Wednesday, I cried.  I hadn't cried since December 27, 2008 when I hugged my mom goodbye and here I am crying in the midst of people I barely know.  It isn't that I think crying is bad or anything, I just don't cry, it isn't me.  So when I do cry it is usually over something quite large.

This last week too, I had a friend have a heart attack.  It is scary when your 26 year old friend has a heart attack.  First, I am scared for her, I don't know what to say to her to offer comfort.  Second, 26 year olds don't have heart attacks!  What if I lose her?!?!  She is a good friend and I hope she finds comfort and the doctors figure out what is wrong with her.

Because of the weeks events everything else became more difficult also, I just didn't go to school last week.  Which isn't a good decision to make when you have a test and a paper due.  Luckily I have an optional final in the class and the paper wasn't worth much.

This weekend was awesome though.  We had our state BCM winter retreat!  The BCM retreats are always fun.  This year we went to Thermopolis Wyoming and played in the hot springs and saw lots of deer.  We also had a nice drive getting to know people and bonding closer together as a group. 

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