Saturday, December 25, 2010
Now, I am confusing myself. I do think I am doing a good job but not at what I think I should be doing a good job with. Not only do I do everything I should and more but people trust me and rely on me. I know I am worth something where I work... but I want to mean something to the kids I go to work for, not my coworkers, not my boss.
I took the last year off school because I felt like I was wasting money not knowing what I was doing. Now, I think I have finally decided on Elementary Education. I have thought a lot about this and am excited to go back to school. The break has been nice and I think has helped me refocus my life, what I want to do in my future.
Another part of the crisis is that I question my inadequacies to maintain a relationship. Not only do I struggle with maintaining but acquiring. I can't even tell you how many friends I have that have gotten engaged or married this year. What about me? I know I have asked this before but the question hasn't been answered.
I pretty much hate having quarter life crisis because it sucks. I would like to stop thinking about why my life sucks and move on.
If she leaves, I will be alone. As you know, if you follow this blog, I don't do well alone. I know I have asked several of you to pray for her to find a job... but if she doesn't find one, I ask that you pray for me and that I don't go crazy.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I was thinking about this today. I have had my natural hair color for about a year now. I have changed my hair color a lot, my poor mother asked me in October, "so is this your natural color?" Haha!!! Well, I dyed it last night... dark brown from my reddish blond. Guess who said something? Not my male coworkers. This makes me sad. Not that I am there to impress them but I see them every week... do you see me?
Pros to my male coworkers; there is no drama which is awesome. They are protective of me when the boys are aggressive. They are also just hilarious!
Anyway boys! It sure would be nice if you could compliment me, whether on my new hair color or on my nice outfit. Thanks!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
This week, I have been lucky enough to have my mom and my sister with me. We didn't do much but it was great to have someone with me. When they left, I cleaned, which I often do to relieve stress or anger. I think today I was stressed being alone. I made chili, I watched a lot of boring tv, I stared into facebook way too much, drank one too many glasses of wine, and I did little of great importance. I also cleaned to keep my mind from wandering. Since I have no one keeping me in check, I have to do it myself.
I wonder what would happen if I was left alone for too long. Would I do something I regret? Would I go mentally insane? Wouldn't that be terrible if I went crazy?
Monday, November 15, 2010
So I have been talking about this topic as a joke with a couple friends but looking deeper into the topic... it is a real problem. I have italicized the characteristics (which I retrieved from wikipedia) that I am personally struggling with...
Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:
- realizing that the pursuits of one's peers are useless
- confronting their own mortality
- watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
- insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
- insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
- insecurity regarding present accomplishments
- re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
- lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
- disappointment with one's job
- nostalgia for university, college, high school, middle school or elementary school life
- tendency to hold stronger opinions
- boredom with social interactions
- loss of closeness to high school and college friends
- financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
- loneliness, depression and suicidal tendencies
- desire to have children
- a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than oneself
- frustration with social skills
As you can see, I am full swing quarter life crisis and pretty much have no optimism for my own life. When will it end?!!?!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
This is not that blog though, this blog is once again my personal venting post. It seems that when I talk to people about school, work, or love they tell me to pray about it and seek God's will. Really, what does that look like? If I am following God's will does it mean my life will be posh and easy? No! Was Christ's life easy? Certainly not and I would like to think he was following God's will, after all he was God's son.
I find it hard to believe that I am not following God's will. I am serving kids daily, being an example of living a good life. Have I made mistakes along the way? I certainly have, but I have learned from them. Just because life is hard doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing. Remember, God wants us to follow his commandment...
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself" -Matthew 22:37-39
So in all you do... LOVE!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
One day I hope to find a love that will last. One, where it doesn't matter what I say, it is awesome. Where we can laugh and cry together. We can run out of things to say but it won't matter because we are still happy just being near each other. Some say I have my sites set too high, but if you don't set them high you don't find the best. On a side note, I am surprised how corny this post is because I am on my period and I am an angry bitter person on my period... so times this by ten and you might have how I really feel about this lovely subject of love.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
MLK Jr talks about altruism and it's different forms. For those that don't know, altruism is defined as "the quality of unselfish concern for the welfare of others." Three types of altruism are talked about in this sermon; universal, dangerous, and excessive.
Universal altruism looks beyond "race, religion, and nationality." You look outside your nation, your group, and you see a human like yourself. Dangerous altruism is overcoming the fear you may have of helping someone. "I imagine the first question the priest and the Levite asked was: "if I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But by the very nature of his concern, the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?" The good Samaritan engaged in dangerous altruism." I think people who participate in dangerous altruism are brave people, not only overcoming challenges around them but also within themselves. The third altruism is excessive altruism. The good Samaritan didn't stop at making sure the man was safe but took it upon himself to give up his horse (or mule or whatever he was riding) and got himself dirty helping this guy. Excessive altruism is the difference of doing something for someone and doing something with someone.
The sermon goes into quite a bit of detail and I would encourage everyone to read it, religious or not, I think you would get something from it. Reading Strength to Love I understand at a new level exactly why Martin Luther King Jr is a great man. He stood for humanity and justice and lived as an amazing example of how all people should live, not for ourselves but for others.
So next time you are about to walk by someone ask yourself, "what will happen to them if I don't stop?" Stop thinking about yourself.
The kids performed some songs and one girl sang Amazing Grace. Not only did she sing Amazing Grace, she owned it. Tears are coming to my eyes just thinking about it. I was not facing the stage, my back was to the stage and I got to see everyone else react to her. It reminded me of the moment where when the bride comes into the church and you stand to watch her. I love watching the groom, seeing his adoring face staring at his bride. That was how I felt but times 20. There were old men holding their chins, trying not to show they were crying, women wiping tears from their eyes trying to remove anything that might prevent them from seeing this girl sing. It was amazing. I cried. (and then I laughed because this is one of those times 10 years ago I would have made fun of my mom for crying)
Find something and make it yours, live a passionate life.
Up until the age of 16, I thought I would be a veterinarian, then I got a job at a vet office. At the time I was obsessed with CSI so I changed the idea of my future to forensic psychologist. Then I got to college and thought, "math teacher!" Three years later, two math classes failed I decided maybe math wasn't the direction I should go. At the time I had a job working with at-risk youth and decided to go back into psychology and go on to get my masters in counseling. Fast forward another three years, I am completely burnt out at school and feeling pretty burnt out at work as well.
Don't get me wrong, I love what I do but it is a draining job. I am a very compassionate-empathetic person and take on a lot of the grief that the kids have. I have gotten a lot better at being able to take myself out of their problems but I don't know that I don't want to not feel what they are feeling. What happens in a few more years when I don't hurt when I hear a story about abuse? I don't want to become hard, emotionless.
This feeling is a big reason why I decided to take the next year off, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I kind of think it sucks that I have to make that decision. Next Monday I have an appointment with a career advisor to help me decide my future. I really hope I can figure something out because I don't want to be stuck in Laramie the rest of my life. I also want to do something worthwhile with my future!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I think it is important to know this because for example I love receiving and giving quality time but many people may like to receive or get gifts. It is helpful to know this because I have a super wonderful amazing grandma that loves to buy things when she visits. Sometimes this annoys me because we can't stop until we find the perfect gift; I hate shopping. For me to know this is probably one of her top Love Languages is important because I can see that she is showing me she loves me and cares for me. Really, I am just happy being with her, I don't need her to buy me anything!
You can take the Love Language Quiz too! I had talked a lot about the Love Languages but have never actually taken the quiz. I knew Quality Time and Words of Encouragement were my top two but had never realized how extreme each one was but it makes sense...
12 Quality Time
6 Words of Encouragement
6 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch
1 Receiving Gifts
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The training was about anger and how to work with kids that are angry. I am pretty excited about what I learned today and what I am going to learn tomorrow. The thing about delinquents, they are angry and don't know what to do with it. I think the number one thing that I learned today is that anger isn't bad. It's what we do with anger that can be bad. Think about the positives that anger has provided....
Most social change came about because some got angry. To learn what you are passionate about, think about what makes you angry. I get so angry when people don't treat others fairly. I get angry when people don't have compassion for others and can't put themselves in other people's shoes. I get angry when people can't take care of their pets, when they are abandoned and not fed and not spayed or neutered, UGH!!! I am passionate about love (helping others) and justice (standing up for those who can't). What are you passionate about?
Another thing on my mind is life's coincidences. I have been reading a lot, different blogs, different books, news and today so many things related to what I have been reading. I think it is God's way of saying "this is important!" When a teacher is teaching you something, they don't just do it once and leave it, they bring it up multiple times, they give you homework, and you have class discussions on it. God is teaching me a lot right now, which is good because I have decided to take this year off from school and it is good to keep that brain active!
Monday, September 6, 2010
I made a lovely pot of coffee this morning when I woke up, I watched some TV, I have spent more time on facebook today than I have in the last 30 days, I will be watching more TV, I am thinking about eating dinner but that involves more effort than I think I am willing to do at the moment. Only one call from work so far and I redirected it to my boss (because it was a boss question, not because I am that lazy). Days like today are completely rare in my book.
Let me leave you with this... I have next Saturday off and I can't wait. I don't remember the last Saturday I had off (though it couldn't have been THAT long ago but not recent enough)!!!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Luckily I got out of that situation. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it myself. My boss had to save me (which I am very grateful for). I did attempt to break out of the situation but gave up when my attempts didn't seem to make a difference. I hope that if I find myself in a similar situation in the future that I will not give up on myself and that I can confront that person and set up appropriate boundaries. Maybe I can even avoid being the caretaker.
I also opened up my Bible today, which I don't do nearly often enough at about one time a week and it made me sad. I was looking up a verse in Romans posted on a friends page and there was a bookmark at Romans ch. 4. January I decided I would read my Bible every day. I started in Romans. I obviously didn't make it very far. I have lots of excuses, all of them lame sauce. I am going to challenge myself to read my Bible every evening before bed, even if it is a verse. Got to start somewhere, right?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Then, suddenly, I realize I am being an idiot and I in fact, love my job. This dangerous train of thinking happens with other things too. It happens a lot with relationships, mostly dating relationships and potential dating relationships but not limited to dating. It usually starts off as a small thought, usually I am hanging out with whoever the potential date is and he says something like "no wonder I don't have a girlfriend" and I think "I would be your girlfriend" and then the thoughts just go down hill from there, leading me to think there actually is hope when in reality even if I was dating this person it probably would not actually be a good situation.
I think a big problem I have is I want to be in a relationship. People always say, "stop looking for it and it will happen", "stop trying so hard", "relationships are overrated", "it will happen when it is meant to". My response (which occurs in my head) is fuck you, I am not an idiot. I want someone to hold me, to love me, to have the security that someone is there caring for me. I have several good friends that care for me immensely (and I for them) but it isn't the same as having a dating relationship.
Anyway, all this thinking today got me interested in looking back over my Myers-Briggs personality profile (if you have never taken the Myers-Briggs it is probably the best personality test out there). Turns out I am one of the rarest personalities in the population (INFJ). I am gentle, complex, intuitive, creative, artistic, private, difficult to understand, patient, devoted, protective, stubborn, and a perfectionist. I am labeled The Protector. This is visible I think with me being the oldest child and making sure my siblings were well looked after (even though I hated them), this is also true in my working for those that are underprivileged, and my love for animals... protecting those that can't protect themselves.
I think this is why my favorite Bible verse is Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
I love the idea of God protecting me. I especially love envisioning the feathers of His wings because feathers are probably my favorite thing in this world. I am thankful for God's protection over me, guiding me away from the negative thoughts and reminding me about the positive (which completely outweighs the negative).
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Another passion of mine is animals. If I could rescue every animal I would. I personally have two dogs and a cat. My oldest dog I rescued at six months of age from an abuse situation. I have trained Olive to become a therapy dog. I get to bring her to work with me. There is a noticeable difference in the kids’ attitude when she is there. The kids seem calmer, mellow, and more cooperative.
I have decided that I want to combine my love for youth and my love for animals. My dream is to own a large amount of land to be used as an animal shelter of sorts. Kids would come to work at the shelter after school and/or on the weekends. The kids would help feed and care for the animals, help training them to make them more place able. The kids would be gaining many skills they need to be more successful in life. Through this they will learn mastery through training, ownership through taking care of the animals, they will also learn to have empathy and give to something else. There is so much an animal can provide to these kids, all the while getting the animals needs met.
Recently, I have decided to take a year off from school and several people think I am being stupid and are disappointed in my decision. I am not. As I told my dad when he told me he was disappointed is that this is my life and he wants me to be happy and I am happy working, serving those around me. I feel I am leading a better story at work and that I am truly making a difference in people’s lives, which is what I want to do. I pray God continues to allow me to grow in my job at Cathedral Home and take the skills I gain there into my future career to help children and animals in need… making the world a little better one life at a time.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I recently had a coworker get fired. At first, I was confused why, she is a hard worker, never late, tries so hard on what she does, and has a passion for the kids matched by few. She unfortunately is dramatic and lately has been negative and pulling me into the center of things. I honestly felt relief the longer I thought about it because I can be her friend without our work relationship getting in the way.
Tonight I called her to check on her and she basically accused me of backstabbing her, stating that she didn't feel like she could trust anyone from there, including me. This hurt me, because I care for her and value our friendship. This last December when I had to stay in Laramie for Christmas she had me to her house and made me feel at home. Not many people do that. I hope that her being fired will not get in the way of our friendship. I hope that time does give her a chance to heal and remember who I am.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
My new favorite hobby is taking the dogs to the Laramie River. They love it and it actually wears them out. It is hilarious to watch Kenya and Jackson swim. Jackson has also been taking amazing dives into the river (if you throw the stick from the right spot). Olive isn't too thrilled about swimming but she will do it. After about half an hour Kenya goes into convulsions because she is shivering uncontrollably because she doesn't have any body fat to keep her warm. It is kind of hilarious actually.
Last week I was told, by my vet, that Olive probably needs to see a dog behavioral therapist... not sure what to think about that. I looked a few things up on the internet and got some advice from my vet in hopes of preventing taking her to therapy. I mean really, therapy for your dog? So far the little things are helping and I only see it getting better.
Next weekend Matthew, Louise and Noah are going to be visiting. Pretty excited about that! Plus, Tori and Caleb will be here for Caleb's cousin's wedding. Which means next weekend is going to be like an awesome reunion, minus a few awesome people.
I really want to go to Oregon to visit family. I don't even really give a shit about looking at the grad school at this point. I think I will apply and wherever is dumb enough to let me is where I will go. I also want to go to Virginia. Mostly to visit Dan and Christen but I would like to see family too. I miss Dan and Christen tons! Really I miss most of my friends who have moved on with their lives and left me to fend for myself.
I have been in charge at work the last week and a bit. It was way stressful the first day and I felt completely inadequate but then everything worked out and I am fine. This week I haven't even felt like I have been in charge because people aren't being annoying and calling me over every stupid thing. I have been in charge because of my recent promotion to level three status... AWESOME!
I am running out of things to write about. My computer needs to be cleaned because I just rubbed my fingers together and a whole bunch of dirt was on them. Gross.
Goodnight. I hope!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Last weekend I went with Sarah, David, and Kenny to see Matthew, Louise, and baby Noah! It was a blast!!! Noah is getting so big. He is adorable and I love him tons. I also had fun with my friends. It is weird to think about us not being together again for a long time, if ever!
Now for a visit to Susan. I miss her tons and wish I could see her more often. It is sad that we only live an hour apart and yet rarely see each other.
I am happy summer is around the corner. I am sure it will snow some more before it arrives but it is warmer! I have gotten my first two sunburns of the year. As much as I hate sunburns it makes me happy because it means it is warm outside.
Al was messing with Abby.
Abby responds with "I'm going to kill you"
Nate: "That isn't very Christian"
Nate: "of course, you could find a Christian way to do it in like Mike (who recently joined the Army)"
Does being in the Army mean you can kill under God? I honestly don't think so. The topic of military and Christianity has always been a conflict for me within. For one, I don't think killing is right, ever. Yet, I have many friends who are in the military, serving the country they love. I have a certain admiration for them I guess but not because they kill. I think it is because they have given their lives to something they believe in; not many people do that.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"The first and greatest commandment is 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
Yet, I find myself reading about Westboro Baptist Church and the things they do. The Bible doesn't call us to judge. This church makes me so sad, making it hard to love. I just want to grieve. It is hard for me to think people can be so mean. They think the United States is being punished for their sins... yet, this church is benefiting from those very "sins". Now understand, this is not a political rant because honestly, I care little for politics. This instead is about the Bible and love.
I find myself thinking over and over about my brother's recent blog about decisions. People are always talking about God's will this, God's will that, blah, blah, blah, excuses. But I think my brother, Dakota, nailed it in the head when he said this... "God's will isn't for me to live in Joplin Missouri, That was my choice, His will is for me to be like His Son. See I have made decisions that have changed my life forever." God's will is for us to be like His Son, WOW. Really, any decision you make you should ask yourself, "am I being like God's Son?" If not, you aren't in God's will. How is Westboro Baptist following God's will? How am I following God's will?
It is not for me to judge Westboro, but their decisions have made it hard for me to do what I need to do. It is hard to love someone when that person has a wall built between you and them because of another persons actions. I have to be all sorts of creative. There is so much getting in the way of what it means to be a Christian that is makes me sad. "Christians are hypocrites and Christians hate gays" All these things are about things Christians don't like instead of about love, generosity, humility. Aren't those the things we are called to do?
I will continue to live like I am called to live. I pray that others will follow my (and many others) example. I hope people will feel the love.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
You can put your all into something and have it still not turn out how you thought it would. The thing is, more than what you do influences the outcome but at least you tried. At least you can say you gave it your all.
Currently, I am discouraged but I know I will overcome this sadness. In the mean time I am going to keep loving and keep hoping.