When thinking is dangerous.

I was sitting around today, thinking. Thinking is a good thing but when I spend too much time thinking it turns into a bad thing; a very bad thing. It starts like this; I start thinking about how much I hate being called on my days off and then, at that very moment all the BAD things about work coming flooding into my brain and it is all I can think about and to relieve these terrible things I think "I need a new job". It doesn't stop there, I start looking for a new job, and then I pull up applications for jobs.

Then, suddenly, I realize I am being an idiot and I in fact, love my job. This dangerous train of thinking happens with other things too. It happens a lot with relationships, mostly dating relationships and potential dating relationships but not limited to dating. It usually starts off as a small thought, usually I am hanging out with whoever the potential date is and he says something like "no wonder I don't have a girlfriend" and I think "I would be your girlfriend" and then the thoughts just go down hill from there, leading me to think there actually is hope when in reality even if I was dating this person it probably would not actually be a good situation.

I think a big problem I have is I want to be in a relationship. People always say, "stop looking for it and it will happen", "stop trying so hard", "relationships are overrated", "it will happen when it is meant to". My response (which occurs in my head) is fuck you, I am not an idiot. I want someone to hold me, to love me, to have the security that someone is there caring for me. I have several good friends that care for me immensely (and I for them) but it isn't the same as having a dating relationship.

Anyway, all this thinking today got me interested in looking back over my Myers-Briggs personality profile (if you have never taken the Myers-Briggs it is probably the best personality test out there). Turns out I am one of the rarest personalities in the population (INFJ). I am gentle, complex, intuitive, creative, artistic, private, difficult to understand, patient, devoted, protective, stubborn, and a perfectionist. I am labeled The Protector. This is visible I think with me being the oldest child and making sure my siblings were well looked after (even though I hated them), this is also true in my working for those that are underprivileged, and my love for animals... protecting those that can't protect themselves.

I think this is why my favorite Bible verse is Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

I love the idea of God protecting me. I especially love envisioning the feathers of His wings because feathers are probably my favorite thing in this world. I am thankful for God's protection over me, guiding me away from the negative thoughts and reminding me about the positive (which completely outweighs the negative).

Making My Life a Good Story

I work at Cathedral Home for Children and I love it! I have worked there for three years now as a youth worker. This job has been part of my inspiration for my future career. For the last three years I have been working towards becoming a counselor, earning my Bachelors in Psychology at University of Wyoming, working at Cathedral Home, and volunteering for the Baptist Collegiate Ministries as President. The last three years has been stressful but I have learned a lot.

Another passion of mine is animals. If I could rescue every animal I would. I personally have two dogs and a cat. My oldest dog I rescued at six months of age from an abuse situation. I have trained Olive to become a therapy dog. I get to bring her to work with me. There is a noticeable difference in the kids’ attitude when she is there. The kids seem calmer, mellow, and more cooperative.

I have decided that I want to combine my love for youth and my love for animals. My dream is to own a large amount of land to be used as an animal shelter of sorts. Kids would come to work at the shelter after school and/or on the weekends. The kids would help feed and care for the animals, help training them to make them more place able. The kids would be gaining many skills they need to be more successful in life. Through this they will learn mastery through training, ownership through taking care of the animals, they will also learn to have empathy and give to something else. There is so much an animal can provide to these kids, all the while getting the animals needs met.

Recently, I have decided to take a year off from school and several people think I am being stupid and are disappointed in my decision. I am not. As I told my dad when he told me he was disappointed is that this is my life and he wants me to be happy and I am happy working, serving those around me. I feel I am leading a better story at work and that I am truly making a difference in people’s lives, which is what I want to do. I pray God continues to allow me to grow in my job at Cathedral Home and take the skills I gain there into my future career to help children and animals in need… making the world a little better one life at a time.

Confused relief.

I was thinking my next post would be about how I plan on "making a better story" but I had to share this with my readers (few if any).

I recently had a coworker get fired. At first, I was confused why, she is a hard worker, never late, tries so hard on what she does, and has a passion for the kids matched by few. She unfortunately is dramatic and lately has been negative and pulling me into the center of things. I honestly felt relief the longer I thought about it because I can be her friend without our work relationship getting in the way.

Tonight I called her to check on her and she basically accused me of backstabbing her, stating that she didn't feel like she could trust anyone from there, including me. This hurt me, because I care for her and value our friendship. This last December when I had to stay in Laramie for Christmas she had me to her house and made me feel at home. Not many people do that. I hope that her being fired will not get in the way of our friendship. I hope that time does give her a chance to heal and remember who I am.